/ I Hurt Myself Because You Hurt Me
The project I Hurt Myself Because You Hurt Me is about experiencing personal boundaries invasions and using eating disorder as an outlet. Sometimes the development of eating disorder is associated with physical or emotional boundaries invasions. When people are unable to control their surroundings, an eating disorder can feel like an escape, protest, and duplicate of that boundary invasion and to claim they have the control of themselves.
After seeing therapist for a year and digging out the root cause of my eating disorder, I realized that my problem
came from an incident long time ago. After that horrible incident, I keep feeling there was someone else in control of me. There was a secret voice saying that I was a damaged good and imperfect. Years after, at a point of my life, everything fell apart and the feeling of losing control came back. I found the best way to hurt my body was to binge eating, purge, and starve myself. It was a process to create the pain and then release the pain. It was also a way to prove that I was able to control my body.
After I found the root cause of my eating disorder, I didn’t know how to heal the wound. I was scared of facing the truth. To confront myself and reveal my secrets and complex feelings, I started making metaphoric images with food, model, and myself. Now it is still an open wound that requires more time and strength to recover and have a hope of the rebirth.